Alone

Its Valentines day today. I have no one to celebrate with, as has been the case since I was born. I used to get a little melancholy sometime back, but I am used to it now.

In the morning, I flirt a little with my ex (am not sure I can call her that because we have not yet split formaly) but she ends it when I push it a bit too far.

In the afternoon, I chat with one of my friends, I have known him since 2001. We have been close, almost like brothers. But today he has made me so mad, I am contemplating ending the friendship. For a while now, he has been insinuating that me and others have been misusing the funds of an investment club we formed. At first, I took it as a joke, but with time I have come to realise that he realy believes that we have been embezzling the funds. That has hurt me a lot. This is someone I have trusted like a brother, but now I learn that the trust was only one way. The thing is, all the members of the club, after a few investments, neglected the duties of the club. Cheques have not been followed up, contributions haven't been made, you know, general neglect. He could have asked and I would have explained this, but instead, he chose to suspect me and the others of misuse of funds. I am sad.

Last couple of days have been a revelation after another. All this time I have been backing up the wrong trees. I have trusted and invested in people who at the slightest chance cut me off. I have sacrificed so much for so many, now I realise it was all for nothing. It was a false sense of loyalty for which no one cared to enlighten me. My employers, for whom I turned down several job offers, are laying me off without batting an eye. Now my friend, someone for whom I have felt like I have known since I was born in essence calls me a thief. Other friends, now I realise, have me as a friend for the purpose of boosting their egos by putting me down.

I am feeling heady. I feel let down. I feel angry. I feel stupid. I need time off. I think I will take time off and go home (my mother's) to try and recoup. To try and open my eyes. To try and set myself straight.

I can't say I knew it
I would be lying
When I came out of my shell
I loved the caress of the sun
The feel of the rain
The touch of the wind
I loved the outside
And with time I,
became dependent
on these sensations I felt
Then, the lightning struck
It struck me down
It paralysed me
I know I could be defiant
and stay out here
But I won't
I will turn and crawl back
Into my cave
They that love me
Shall find me in my cave
I shall not venture out anymore.