Long time/Ambition

So it has been a while since I was last here. But no one reads this shit anyway, so what the fuck? Oh and that reminds, god! I hate the newage abbreviations! WTF, LOL, BRB and all that other bullshit, it's so goddamned annoying! That's a rant for another day.

Now, I went back to my job, with two notable changes–my responsibilities increased and my salary was slashed by a third! Yep that is my situation. I am partly to blame because I was too desperate to negotiate a better package for myself. Not that there was a chance for negotiation, more of a take it or leave it affair. Anyway I am now contemplating leaving. I think I can do better on my own. Thing is, I am scared. I have never been much of an independent/hustler guy. Fuck this fear. How do I get rid of it? I need to be on my own.

I can no longer stand my chicken shit salary while seeing the company buy flashy cars for other people while I slave away. It's not that I want a car and a salary equal to the MD's, just a fair balance between my work and my salary. If I stay here I will drink myself into poverty and an early death. So if you stumble upon this blog, pray for me to acquire a true solid pair! Peace be with you.

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Spiral

In the past couple of days I had a dark cloud over me and a dark
putrid feel in my soul. I think it is called depression.
Saturday was the worst. I literaly fought off tears as I sat in a pub!
It was a mystery to me why I was feeling that way at first. Not
anymore. I am alone. That is it. And no, not because I don't have a
woman. I tried to run away from my destiny, from myself, i now realize
I was running in circles and I'm back to where I started! I am alone.
I shall embrace my solitude, relish it, love it, be it.

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Finally?

So, I was finally recalled to my workplace. I wasn't extatic and am
still not. But at least my mind is a bit settled and the anxiety
attacks are almost fully gone. And just as am settling down my boss
tells me that there is a possibility that the company could retrench,
then he tells me not to worry! Really? I haven't even signed a
contract! Shit! What is this? Life's idea of a rollercoster ride?! I
swear if shit keeps up this way I will go nuts!
But wait... Maybe instead of having anxiety attacks and being afraid,
I can turn this into an adrenaline rush thing. You know, make it my
extreme sport! Push it by blowing away all my cash and then waiting to
see if I can make more before am totally broke! Hhmmm... a very
attractive thought!
Anywho, all I can say now is: Bring it on bitch!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Panic attack

I had to blog about this day. So here goes. Last night I got in touch
with my boss, the long 'n' short of which is that today is when he is
to tell me my employment fate. I barely slept last night. This morning
the anxiety attack was even worse. So I decided to take some Irish
coffee to calm my nerves. I got past the 1st cup. On my 2nd the
churning in my stomach was overwhelming, I threw up!
The anxiety grew. I went to the bank and I could barely handle or sign
the documents! My hands were shaking like wow!
As am doing this blog am at a restaurant waiting for my date. My
stomach is still churning and my mind is spinning. I can barely drink
my beer (never happened before!).
Now, I have two bad options and one good one.
1. My boss doesn't call me, I have a mental breakdown.
2. My boss calls and tells me I don't have a job, I have a mental breakdown.
3. My boss calls me and tells me I have a job, I become hysterical.
All I can do now is sit back hope I don't throw up on my date or crap
myself and wait!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Cruising

It is a week now since I started my leave. Upto today am yet to go outlooking for a job, I have not even sent out a single application letter! Yeah, I know, am pathetic. Nothing new there-story of my life.Time is running out for me but somehow am yet to get the requisite fire under my arse. I still have hope that I will be recalled to my former station and that is all that is standing between me and the fire I need. By the time my arse is finally kicked out officialy, am certain it will be too late and my premonition-being unable to pay rent and end up on my brother's couch-is going to come true!
PS: The rest has been good I must admit, except, ofcourse, for the
occasional panic attacks.
PPS: Today I learn that apart from my two bosses, there are other people who are backing my retention at the company. Who knew I had a likeable character!? Actually, guys at the office have missed me for the one week I have been away! It's quite touching!
PPPS: Am doing this blog sitted at a table full of strangers and am totally not inclined to engage them in conversation. In fact am thinking of buying cigarettes and smoking them to see if any of them will cause for me so I can fire up on his face! Better yet I might have them move away and leave me in peace! Hehehehe!, time to be evil!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Passion vs Apathy

I have no passion at all. Pathetic,isn't it? My life has been one long
trip on the apathy road. Really, never in my life have I felt even a
slight stir of passion. And i have been blessed/cursed because i have
never had to exert myself in anything-school, work, life-and yet I
passed my exams and my employers are always impressed.
So I have been asking myself-how much am i really capable of if i ever
had passion,if i ever exerted myself? I know i would be great. Or is
this nothing but grandiose imaginations of a sick mind? But no. If i
have achieved what i have so far without passion or effort, then i am
certain that i would be great if i had the fire in my heart and the
will in my mind.
Question is-how do i get that fire in my soul! How? How do i rip out
this apathy, this fear? Can i ever escape from the self-debasement and
rise to the bright star that i am supposed to be? If yes, how? That is
the battle am fighting-trying to crawl out of this shithole that i
find myself in now!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Changes and non-changes

Today may well be my last day in this publishing firm that I work for. Now, I have two options, I could leave in a blaze of glory, or I could leave limp, like I have lived most of my life. I have chosen to leave in a blaze of glory. When I came to this place, I worked my behind off, worked long and hard and without complaining and my supervisor told me as much. As I did this, I had one aim, to prove that I could do my work well, so that the company would consider changing my employment from contract, to permanent. And work hard I did. I produced books faster than anyone else, kept to extent limits, generally just did a damn good job. And what do these guys do, at the first sign of trouble, they send my arse off. No consideration!!! Am I meant to leave just like that? Bow my head and walk away without a word? No!!! I deserve better. I damn deserve better treatment! And I shall demand as much!

I sound passionate about this publishing thing, but am not sure that if they actually rescinded their decision, I would be happy. True I'd have a salary and be able to pay my bills, but I doubt that I would be fulfilled. Every day that comes, I swing between hoping that I will get my job back and hoping that I don't. I am damn confused. On one hand there is the security that comes with getting my job back. On the other hand there is a chance for me to get into something I would love to do, writing and broadcasting (with the probability that I might be forced to sell my stuff, move out of my house and go live on my brother's couch-if he will let me, as I try to get a job in the media industry).
Paulo Coehlo says that God and nature conspire to put you in the path that is right for you. By God I hope he is right. Because as it is, that is my only hope.

PS: Two things worth of note happenned yesterday. One, I cried. Real crying, not just tears running down my face. I cried for many reasons, but I couldn't point out a specific reason. I just cried. And I felt better after I did. Sounds like something a woman would do, guess I got in touch with my feminine side.
Second, I started smoking again. Yes, after 5 months of not smoking, I went right back to smoking. I wish I had a major reason to smoke again but I didn't, my mind told me I needed to smoke and I did just that.
Like I said, changes are coming. Let the Lord lead me through!

Living to die and dying to live

I am doing this for the first time,(bloging by phone)so incase it
doesn't quite work,too bad!
Now for the past couple o blogs its been abt some mashy stuff-am
taking a new direction.This blog is going to be abt everything that
croses my mind.From psychotic to normal to debased!keep your ears n
eyes open!let me get back to getting high!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

After all

I might just be able to keep on blogging well after I have been dismissed from my job. I have enabled my phone so that I can send blogs through it. Maybe my blogs then will be more interesting as I relate how my job search will be going-assuming I will be able to afford the airtime credit. Anywho, that aside.

I recently read two of Paulo Coelho's books 'Like the flowing river' and 'The Zahir'. They really touched me. I have read a number of his books before and the one that touched me the most was 'Veronica decides to die' followed by 'The Zahir'. These two books had an impact on me because I can directly relate to them. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be 'mad', a subject the two books talk about. I have always wanted to do things differently, you know, veer off the road and go wandering into the bush. Why? Because I believe we were not created to be automatons. Life is short and too important for me to live my life doing what other people have done simply because the damn society dictates that that is what I should do!

Think about it, really think about it. Most of what we do, we do because that is what has been done by those who have precceded us. Can you imagine what the world would be like now if all the inventers had never thought of veering from the beaten track. We would still be using horns and smoke (which are discoveries actually) to communicate!

I believe we are all meant to leave a mark. To do something different, somehing unique. That is why I choose the path of madness.

Afraid

I am scared shitless!!

For the past two years, I have worked in the publishing industry as an editor. As chronicled in my last blog. Am being laid off.
The normal thing would be for me to apply for jobs in other publishing firms. You know, keep to what I have gained experience in. I am not getting any younger, so I need stability. All my friends are settled in in their careers. Some are getting married, others moving on up. Me, I have nothing, no one to love, no money and now no job. The safe option is to stick with publishing. But I have taken the path of madness. I am taking up a new career. Totally new.

I have decided to go into Advertising. That is what is scaring me.
I am currently swinging between believing I can hack it and fear that I have nothing new to offer so no one will want me.
I have even been toying with the idea of starting my own company, but a quick look through the directory shows there exist so many companies already!

The question I have been battling with is this-Do I really have something unique to offer or are my grand ideas nothing but the illusions of a schizophrenic mind? Am I for real or am I mad!? Am I on the right track? Is this what I should do? I wish and pray for a sign. Something to show me I am on the right path. I have nothing but a faltering conviction as my base.

I am scared. Lord, help me.

Alone

Its Valentines day today. I have no one to celebrate with, as has been the case since I was born. I used to get a little melancholy sometime back, but I am used to it now.

In the morning, I flirt a little with my ex (am not sure I can call her that because we have not yet split formaly) but she ends it when I push it a bit too far.

In the afternoon, I chat with one of my friends, I have known him since 2001. We have been close, almost like brothers. But today he has made me so mad, I am contemplating ending the friendship. For a while now, he has been insinuating that me and others have been misusing the funds of an investment club we formed. At first, I took it as a joke, but with time I have come to realise that he realy believes that we have been embezzling the funds. That has hurt me a lot. This is someone I have trusted like a brother, but now I learn that the trust was only one way. The thing is, all the members of the club, after a few investments, neglected the duties of the club. Cheques have not been followed up, contributions haven't been made, you know, general neglect. He could have asked and I would have explained this, but instead, he chose to suspect me and the others of misuse of funds. I am sad.

Last couple of days have been a revelation after another. All this time I have been backing up the wrong trees. I have trusted and invested in people who at the slightest chance cut me off. I have sacrificed so much for so many, now I realise it was all for nothing. It was a false sense of loyalty for which no one cared to enlighten me. My employers, for whom I turned down several job offers, are laying me off without batting an eye. Now my friend, someone for whom I have felt like I have known since I was born in essence calls me a thief. Other friends, now I realise, have me as a friend for the purpose of boosting their egos by putting me down.

I am feeling heady. I feel let down. I feel angry. I feel stupid. I need time off. I think I will take time off and go home (my mother's) to try and recoup. To try and open my eyes. To try and set myself straight.

I can't say I knew it
I would be lying
When I came out of my shell
I loved the caress of the sun
The feel of the rain
The touch of the wind
I loved the outside
And with time I,
became dependent
on these sensations I felt
Then, the lightning struck
It struck me down
It paralysed me
I know I could be defiant
and stay out here
But I won't
I will turn and crawl back
Into my cave
They that love me
Shall find me in my cave
I shall not venture out anymore.

Transition

Am back again. Its been a while. And it starts with irony. Only when my arse is about to be laid off does my stupid office mac finaly accept to let me blog without issues. Sad. In a little while, if things dont go my way, I will soon not be able to blog again because I will be out of a job ergo not able to access affordable internet. But that aside.

This morning, a thought came to me. After my internship at the Nation Media Group, I told myself that I was not cut out for journalism. In that short time (3 months) I had been taught that a journalist should not have a heart. I had a heart.

I would go to murder scenes and feel like throwing up. I would go to tragic accident scenes and feel a rush of tears (which I always held back) as the dead were mourned. It was an emotional rollercoaster for me. So naturally I concluded that journalism was not meant for me.

Today, I realised I was wrong. I can be a good journalist. I can be a damn good journalist if I let my emotions free, trying to hide the emotions used to get in my way. I want to go and interview the mourning with tears in my eyes, I want to confront the unjust with anger in my breast, I want to interview the successful with admiration in my heart, I want to talk to the poor and downtrodden with empathy in my heart. I want to be like that cameraman who was crying during the funeral ceremony of the late Kijana Wamalwa.

When this thought crossed my mind, I saw the larger picture. Emotions not expressed cloud your eyes, put poison in your heart and put grand stumbling blocks in your way. It is time I let my emotions flow freely, so I can enjoy the pleasures and pain of all the emotions that run through my heart.

PS: As I was going through some of the things in my computer, I came across the poem below which I had written a while back. There are few poems of mine that I still love after they grow old. This is one of them. Enjoy.


I beat at my breast
And scream loud to the skies
Lord hear me! Lord hear me!
I have sinned against you,
But Lord do have mercy on me
Save me from my hell
It has been too long Lord
Take me out now, wash me
Cleanse me, make me fit
To dine with you
At thine heavenly table!

The Lord does not hear my cry.

I sprawl myself upon the ground
I tear away at my clothes
And scream: Lord where are you?
I have no more pretences
I lie naked in front of you
Listen to the cry of your child!
Lord where are you?

The Lord does not hear my cry.

Lord I curse your name!
If you shall not hear my cry
Then Lord hear me curse you
Take this life of mine
It is thine from the beginning
I am tortured and battered
The world has thrown me out
Lord you have thrown me out
My recourse lies in my death
Lord I curse your name
Take this life away.

The Lord hears my curse.

Child rise from the ground
You shame me so
Where is your pride, child
Where is your faith, child
You curse my name?
Have you the power?
Child, rise and be strong!

Kenya elections

Yeah, I know that this blog was not meant for political comments but i cant just sit back and not say something. I have followed the trends, i have followed the comments of politicians and i have followed the way local and international reporters have covered the violence that has rocked the country thus far.

To start with politicians-there is an outright bias in the condemning the killings going on. And the Kikuyu people are the worse for it because no one, not even the leaders they are dying for, seem to care that much about them. ODM leaders froth at the mouth as they condemn police killings in Kisumu but the killings of Kikuyus in Rift Valley, they only mention in passing! Recently Hon. Ruto had the audacity to state that the people are only protesting the rigged elections, in essence sanctioning the killings as a means of protest.
Government leaders also talk about the killings of Kikuyus juast in passing. With this neglect of their plight, is it any wonder then that the Kikuyu have decided to retaliate? And when they do, what follows, a major outcry from ODM leaders! It is preposterous!!

This violence started out as a protest but it is no longer a protest, it is ethnic cleansing. Period. And I am proud of the reporting by international journalists because they are openly stating this fact! Our local media is still trying to hide this fact. Before the elections, they proudly touted the numbers of different tribes and their voting patterns. Now, for them, mentioning tribe is an anathema! Why? The world and Kenyans need to know the truth of this situation. It is high time our journalists painted the true picture! Because unless we stop lying to ourselves that this violence is still a protest, it shall go on!