Changes and non-changes

Today may well be my last day in this publishing firm that I work for. Now, I have two options, I could leave in a blaze of glory, or I could leave limp, like I have lived most of my life. I have chosen to leave in a blaze of glory. When I came to this place, I worked my behind off, worked long and hard and without complaining and my supervisor told me as much. As I did this, I had one aim, to prove that I could do my work well, so that the company would consider changing my employment from contract, to permanent. And work hard I did. I produced books faster than anyone else, kept to extent limits, generally just did a damn good job. And what do these guys do, at the first sign of trouble, they send my arse off. No consideration!!! Am I meant to leave just like that? Bow my head and walk away without a word? No!!! I deserve better. I damn deserve better treatment! And I shall demand as much!

I sound passionate about this publishing thing, but am not sure that if they actually rescinded their decision, I would be happy. True I'd have a salary and be able to pay my bills, but I doubt that I would be fulfilled. Every day that comes, I swing between hoping that I will get my job back and hoping that I don't. I am damn confused. On one hand there is the security that comes with getting my job back. On the other hand there is a chance for me to get into something I would love to do, writing and broadcasting (with the probability that I might be forced to sell my stuff, move out of my house and go live on my brother's couch-if he will let me, as I try to get a job in the media industry).
Paulo Coehlo says that God and nature conspire to put you in the path that is right for you. By God I hope he is right. Because as it is, that is my only hope.

PS: Two things worth of note happenned yesterday. One, I cried. Real crying, not just tears running down my face. I cried for many reasons, but I couldn't point out a specific reason. I just cried. And I felt better after I did. Sounds like something a woman would do, guess I got in touch with my feminine side.
Second, I started smoking again. Yes, after 5 months of not smoking, I went right back to smoking. I wish I had a major reason to smoke again but I didn't, my mind told me I needed to smoke and I did just that.
Like I said, changes are coming. Let the Lord lead me through!